Our Baby Story - Part 3 - Letting Obsession Go

Here is where I admit something painful… something that makes me look bad… because it was awfully bad of me.  Something I had totally forgotten about until I went to write all this down, and God shared with me a memory I had lost.  In 2011 when I was praying about if I should continue to want to have another child or not, I asked God if He wanted me to have a date.  He answered with 2015.  I was so desperate for a child, that the idea of waiting up to four years was beyond what I could handle.  I fought with God, and started saying numbers over and over in my head until all the sudden hearing 2013 sounded right.  I convinced myself that that was the year we were going to have a baby, and lead myself to believe it.  Well, when Christmas time came, and we still weren’t pregnant, I was so mad at God… yeah. :(  I know, I really really know. :(

Here He was, coming through in so many ways for us… and I still couldn’t let go and wait on His timing.  I wanted a baby, now.  So in November and December, I decided that letting go was EXACTLY what I needed to do.  So I spent time praying.  I prayed that I would love God, baby or not.  I prayed that my heart would find peace, baby or not.  I prayed to be able to let go of my obsession to be a mother, and just be okay with whatever happened.

{From here on in I’m going to use actual dates whenever possible.  I have gone through emails and date books to verify I have these right.}

The first week of advent, December 1^st, 2013, a lady in our church put together advent readings for our church.  The first week of advent I was out with the children.  It is the first time I can ever remember in the 7 or so years I’d done childcare that I wasn’t excited to go out with the children.  I felt spiritually needy to hear God’s truth that day, and was trying not to be sad that I’d miss the message.  But I needn’t have worried.  God had me covered.  Part of the advent reading that morning talked about Satan’s tempting of Eve in the garden.  One line Satan used in the reading was along the lines of “Why doesn’t God want you to have this apple?  Doesn’t He want you to be happy?”  And all the sudden, it clicked!  Having a baby was my apple.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my family, my friends, and my church family, but it was so hard watching them have child after child while we sat and waited for ours.  Part of me did feel God loved everyone else more than me.  Part of me did wonder what it was that I was doing wrong, and how could I fix it so that I too would be worthy.  In my head I knew this line of thinking was wrong, but in my heart, I felt so hurt and unloved by God.

So I spent time praying on that too, asking God to show me how to believe with my heart, and not just my head, that no matter what happened, even if there was never any children, that He loved me.  It was a painful process full of many tears as I let hurt after hurt go.

I wrote the lady that did the readings and thanked her, and bravely shared part of our story, and how that readying had really helped my faith.