Our Baby Story - Part 6 - Crib, God Is Not Dead

Then the week before Easter came, and God REALLY challenged me. Up until now, I was doing things in preparation, but I was buying everything, I wasn’t asking for handouts, I wasn’t asking for help getting things together. But God changed that.

The woman who had given me the Bible told me that Sunday, April 13^th, that her little girl no longer needed her crib and she needed to find someone to give it to. God told me to ask her for the crib. I couldn’t do it, I was too embarrassed. It was one thing to go and buy it if she was selling, but she was giving it away… I just couldn’t ask.  I wasn't even pregnant!  Still, God chirped in my ear about it all week.

Good Friday, April 18^th, the two girls I was doing lent with met at my place for the first time. My birthday bud had never seen our nursery, I had shown her a photo, but she wanted to see the real thing. And then we decided we needed to pray over the room. You could really feel God moving. {And every time I looked at the room after that, even though not a thing had been moved, it felt like a totally different room. I asked my husband about it, but he didn’t sense anything different. Still, I couldn’t go by the room without feeling it was all brand new.}

After we prayed over the room and our future child, my birthday bud told me how much faith I had to put the room together. I told her that I didn’t feel I’d had faith. I mean, yes, some of it was, but sometimes I’d just feel I was having a bad day, and felt buying something for the baby we wanted would help me to feel better. She challenged me to see that that was still obeying, but I couldn’t. It felt too selfish of me.

The next day, April 19^th, after having such a wonderful prayer time, I felt I could admit to the lady that God was asking me to ask her for her crib. I admitted we weren’t pregnant, but that I felt God asking me to ask her for her crib. So I asked her, if she had not already found a home for it, and if no one was coming to mind for her to give it to, would she pray and see if she too was getting that God wanted me to have the crib. She read it, and a few hours later got back to me and said that the crib was ours. A week later she and her family brought it to our house. We were going to leave all the pieces against the wall for the time being, and put it together when we were pregnant, but the next day, even though it was a Sunday and I try not to do work on Sundays, God told me it needed to be put together right away. I didn’t hesitate, I’d hesitated over too many things, I was done fighting. My husband and I put it together that afternoon.

Still, a part of me felt guilty over how much of the room I felt was put together for selfish motives. But on May 13^th we went and saw the movie God is Not Dead. At one point, this pastor is trying to take this missionary to Disney World. The pastor goes to start the car, and the engine won’t start. He says not to worry, they’ll get a rental car. The rental car is brought, the guy steps out of the car, hands the keys to the pastor, and the pastor tries to start the car. It won’t start. The rental guy says he’ll bring another one tomorrow. Same deal, that car won’t start for him either. So that night, or a few nights later, can’t remember sorry, the missionary and the pastor come out to the car with all their luggage in hand. The pastor asks why they bothered to bring out their luggage. The missionary says it’s to show they have faith that the car will start this time. There had been no work done to the car at this point. The pastor drops the bags and heads to the car. The missionary chides him and says he has to put the bags in the car. So he does. Next you see the pastor and missionary in the car, and the pastor is about to turn the key. You can see by the look on his face that he doesn’t have one lick of faith that the car is going to start for him, still, he turns the key, and the car revs to life.

And right then and there, God spoke down to me. Yes, some of the things I had bought were when I was struggling, having trouble believing, or for selfish reasons, but all of them did what He asked, and that was to get ready for the baby He was sending us. He also reminded me of the verses in the Bible that says it is better to say no to doing what you should, but then deciding to do it, than to say yes to doing as you should, but not actually doing it. Matthew 21:28-32 Hearing that from God touched me so much. My heart may not have always been right, but I obeyed, and continued to obey until my heart was right. Hearing God in that moment, hearing the pride He had in me… it was so overwhelming. I don’t know that I have ever felt God’s love so clearly as I did then. And not only did He love me, he was proud of me. I hope I never forget that moment.

 

Our Baby Story - Part 5 - Faith, Lent, Toy

I have a best friend, she knows everything about me.  She has been with me through hell and back again, several times, and I with her.  There is nothing we can’t share with each other, say to each other, wouldn’t do for each other.  She is such an amazing person, and God really used her during this time of growing my faith.

During the time I found it hardest to believe all God was asking of us, she looked me in the eye, and told me not to worry about the fact that I didn’t feel I could have faith at times.  She told me she’d have enough faith for both of us.  And in her saying that, it gave me the strength to try even harder to have faith.

Well, she did this amazing thing for me, something I never would have thought to do.  She started challenging us to call each thing we got our Baby thing of Faith.  So if we got a baby blanket, it was our BBOF.  Baby Blanket of Faith.  And she challenged me often on it.  Our baby room was our BROF, Baby Room of Faith.  I didn’t really see what I was doing in getting the room ready as faith, but she did, and she often told me to call it that, so I tried.  I didn’t always succeed because I just didn’t always remember, but I tried, and it helped me a lot.  And she was always there, encouraging me to believe.

I have another close friend, she lives a few provinces away now.  She has been praying along side us as well.  She was so awesome when we lost our son, she had really studied grief, and let me know that so much of what I was going through was normal.  She has been praying, and last year, she feels she got in prayer that we will be having a girl.  The funny thing is, a few years ago my birthday bud heard in prayer we'd be having a girl too.  I can't help but think that this time we will. :)

Also, during this time, my friend that lives a few provinces away challenged me to step out in faith as well.  So because of that, a few of the clothes items we have boughten have been for a girl.  Because she isn't here right now, I've been sending her pictures as the nursery has grown, and she has been so encouraging.  Between her and my best friend, they have been my cheering squad.

Lent time came around, and this is when everything set off into motion!  I have two people who have assigned roles in my life.  I have a lot of friends, but two have assigned roles.  So it was funny that over Lent God brought us together to form a team of three.  One was my best friend, one is my birthday bud, if that doesn’t explain it, we share a birthday together. :)

All three of us were going through a really hard time.  God was testing us to points we didn’t feel we could bare anymore.  Worry was heavy on us.  Now at this point, I’d had my third cycle in a row where I’d had VERY strong pregnancy symptoms for about three weeks each time, with no pregnancy.  During PMS all three times, I had 1-2 VERY dark days.  No matter how much my faith was growing the rest of the time, during those 1-2 days each cycle I became so dark and depressed.  I felt God was toying with me and my want in those dark days, I felt depressed I again wasn’t pregnant, I felt unloved, and wanted to hide from the world.  We realized it was just hormones doing it all, it is suspected I was dealing with PMDD, but that did not make it easier.  So on one of these days, we had prayer meeting, February 26th.  Because I was in such a dark place, I told everyone how I felt like I was failing my husband by being married for over six years, and still not having produced a child for him that lived.

Well that gave my birthday bud an idea.  She was going to Mexico, and was having a hard time seeing how God was going to bring everything together for her to be a missionary there.  She needed someone to pray along side her.  She wrote me the next day, February 27th to suggest this lent idea.  So she, and my best friend, and I formed a team.  Over lent, we would not allow ourselves to worry about our own problems.  Every time we started, we’d stop and pray for the worries of the other two ladies.  And we could do so knowing that they in turn were praying for us.  It was wonderful.  We got together every 7-10 days to meet in person and pray, and talk, and then prayed the rest of the time.

During this time, on March 23^rd, I saw an elephant ball toy at a local thrift store.  I kept feeling God ask me to get it.  Until this point, I hadn’t gone out and bought toys for our baby.  I had some from when I used to look after kids, and a couple had been given to me, but I had not gone out and bought any.  And I didn’t want to buy this one, it was missing the five balls it needed, and it’s tail was missing.  But still, God asked me to get it.  So I decided, God is asking, I’ll do it.  I told the girls at one of our meetings that right afterwards I was going back to the thrift store, and if it was still there, was going to buy the toy.  It was $1.75, and my best friend handed me a toonie.  I told her I could cover it.  :)  She said no, this was a gift from Aunt (her name), and she wanted our future child to have it.

I bought the toy, and then spent hours going from store to store trying to find balls that would work with it.  I could find none.  So when I got home, I emailed the company that made the toy and asked if there was a place I could find the missing tail and the missing balls.  They wrote me back to say that since it was my first time ever contacting them, they were sending them all to me for free!  Wow, God was really working here, and just over a toy.

Our Baby Story - Part 4 - The Bible Promise

January came, and I was gaining a lot more peace in giving my obsession over to God, and just letting go.  2013 was over, and the rush I felt to get pregnant in that year was gone as well.

On January 8^th I was reading a Beth Moore book about the heart of David.  {A Heart Like His: Intimate Reflections On The Life Of David}  I don’t usually buy Kindle books.  You can get so many for free that I don’t see the need unless it’s one I really want, and even then, I usually put it in my wish list that I check daily to see if it went free for a day.  But on this day in January, I saw a book of hers on sale, only a dollar, and something told me not to wait to see if it went for free.  I felt I had to get that book, and RIGHT NOW. 

So I got it, and started reading it at work one day when the little guy I look after was lying down for a nap.  This particular day he was resting quite late, and the other little guy I look after was out with friends that day.  The book doesn’t start right off talking about David, it talks about Hannah, and her prayers and pleas for a child, so that we have the back story of Samuel, who is the back story to David.  If you have not heard the story of Hannah, she prayed with all her heart that God would bless her with a child.  Her desire made even stronger because her husband had a second wife who had bore him several children, and that wife kept rubbing it in Hannah’s face how blessed she was with all these children when Hannah had none.  Hannah broke down, her heart in as much anguish as mine was many, many times, and she promised God that if He would give her a child, she would hand him back over to God.

Well, Hannah became pregnant, and nursed her son.  When he was weaned {scholars speculate he was about three years old} Hannah took him to the temple and left him with Eli the priest.  At this point, the author of the book steps out of telling the Biblical tale, and asks some pretty interesting questions, and shows some insight.  Hannah wouldn’t have just raised Samuel and then dropped him off at the age of three at the temple without spending time preparing him.  She would have told him about God and the life he would lead every chance she got.  She would have prepared him for where he was going, and what he was going to do. 

At that point I felt God challenging me.  I have always said I would not raise my children in God until they were older, 10 to 12 years of age.  I was saved when I was four, and I don’t know what life is like without God.  When we lost our son, and I wanted to walk away from God, I could never say He wasn’t real, but I did feel I couldn’t trust Him.  People warned me to remember what life was like without God so that I’d realize I didn’t want to walk away.  But I didn’t remember what life was like, and couldn’t visualize it.  I’ve always known God, or of Him.  I don’t recall a time I didn’t have God in my life.  I feel it’s like hunger.  Someone that has never had to wait for food has no real appreciation for it, certainly not like someone who has starved for years on end, they have a real appreciation for food.  I feel that way about my faith at times, and at times worry that I don’t have a real appreciation for God, not like I could if I knew what life without Him is like. 

But on this day when I was reading this book about David, God asked me to change my mind, and make a promise to Him that I would raise my children in Him from the beginning.  It was hard, I wrestled with it for several minutes, and then realized I could do as He asked.  I still wanted this baby so badly, and I would do whatever it took to get them.  So I promised then and there that I would raise my children in God from their first breath.  I had talked to my son a lot about God in our very brief time together… I could do so again.  God asked me to take one step further and promise to get a children’s Bible.  The children in our church had done their own advent with the Jesus Storybook Bible, and all the parents said how much they loved that Bible once they got it.  So I promised then and there to get a copy of that very Bible within the month.  I made this promise at 4:30 in the afternoon.

I was literally exhausted after all I’d read and learned and prayed about that day.  But still, I went to Prayer Meeting that night.  The lady that had put the advent readings together for the church and the children’s area met me at the door of prayer meeting and handed me a late Christmas gift.  I felt a bit bad, I had none for her.  She brushed off my worry, and told me God had asked her to give me this gift.

I opened it, and lost my breath.  There in my hands, was the VERY Bible I had just promised God only 2 ½ hours ago that I would get!  I am sure I looked very silly just standing there staring at this book as tears filled my eyes, but I couldn’t move for several seconds.  She told me later how she had gone to buy one for doing the readings with the kids, and how God asked her to order a second one for someone.  She then spent the next few weeks trying to figure out who God wanted that person to be.  But every time she checked with someone, they had already bought it, some having just bought it.  The store called her and let her know when it was in, and it was when she went to pick it up that God told her that that Bible was for me.  The funny thing is, she’d had it for a month before she could get it to me.  Had she given it to me even one day earlier, I am not sure I would have learned as much as I did from God when praying that day. 

This gift really boosted my faith.  There was no way all of this happened as a coincidence.  There was no way this lady could know what I’d prayed that day.  She had no way of knowing how perfect getting this Bible right then was.  And in my heart, I finally had joy about getting pregnant.  IF God needed me to raise my child in God, there REALLY was going to be a baby, this child REALY would spend time in my arms, and I REALLY needed to just be trusting.

 

So for the next few months after that, that is what I did.  When the doubts would come in, I’d just tell God I was going to chose to believe, even if it didn’t make sense.  Even if it seemed crazy.  And in doing so, I admitted to a handful of people about the nursery in our home as an act of stepping out in faith.

Our Baby Story - Part 3 - Letting Obsession Go

Here is where I admit something painful… something that makes me look bad… because it was awfully bad of me.  Something I had totally forgotten about until I went to write all this down, and God shared with me a memory I had lost.  In 2011 when I was praying about if I should continue to want to have another child or not, I asked God if He wanted me to have a date.  He answered with 2015.  I was so desperate for a child, that the idea of waiting up to four years was beyond what I could handle.  I fought with God, and started saying numbers over and over in my head until all the sudden hearing 2013 sounded right.  I convinced myself that that was the year we were going to have a baby, and lead myself to believe it.  Well, when Christmas time came, and we still weren’t pregnant, I was so mad at God… yeah. :(  I know, I really really know. :(

Here He was, coming through in so many ways for us… and I still couldn’t let go and wait on His timing.  I wanted a baby, now.  So in November and December, I decided that letting go was EXACTLY what I needed to do.  So I spent time praying.  I prayed that I would love God, baby or not.  I prayed that my heart would find peace, baby or not.  I prayed to be able to let go of my obsession to be a mother, and just be okay with whatever happened.

{From here on in I’m going to use actual dates whenever possible.  I have gone through emails and date books to verify I have these right.}

The first week of advent, December 1^st, 2013, a lady in our church put together advent readings for our church.  The first week of advent I was out with the children.  It is the first time I can ever remember in the 7 or so years I’d done childcare that I wasn’t excited to go out with the children.  I felt spiritually needy to hear God’s truth that day, and was trying not to be sad that I’d miss the message.  But I needn’t have worried.  God had me covered.  Part of the advent reading that morning talked about Satan’s tempting of Eve in the garden.  One line Satan used in the reading was along the lines of “Why doesn’t God want you to have this apple?  Doesn’t He want you to be happy?”  And all the sudden, it clicked!  Having a baby was my apple.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my family, my friends, and my church family, but it was so hard watching them have child after child while we sat and waited for ours.  Part of me did feel God loved everyone else more than me.  Part of me did wonder what it was that I was doing wrong, and how could I fix it so that I too would be worthy.  In my head I knew this line of thinking was wrong, but in my heart, I felt so hurt and unloved by God.

So I spent time praying on that too, asking God to show me how to believe with my heart, and not just my head, that no matter what happened, even if there was never any children, that He loved me.  It was a painful process full of many tears as I let hurt after hurt go.

I wrote the lady that did the readings and thanked her, and bravely shared part of our story, and how that readying had really helped my faith.

Our Baby Story - Part 2 - Make A Nursery

I had felt God asking us to get ready for a baby slowly in 2011, before we got the verse in the last post, even though I didn’t have proof of carrying a baby to term.  So in 2011 I bought a bassinet and mobi wrap from a friend, along with a couple smaller items. 

In April of 2013, I met with a couple that have an amazing gift for healing.  They attribute everything to God, and have such wisdom that I checked to make sure was Biblically sound.  They are an amazing couple, and have really challenged my faith in many ways.  When I met with them, we prayed about two things.  One was the never ending hip pain I’d had since having my son.  It was keeping me from sleeping, and there were mornings it was so bad that I needed my husband's help to get out of bed on my own.  They prayed over my hips, and ever since then, except right before my cycles, my hips no longer bothered me!  The other thing they prayed over me about was pregnancy.  I was so touched by their words.  They told me to thank God for what He was going to do, and step out in faith and buy something to prepare for the child coming.  I told them of the bassinet we already had.

Thanking God for what He was going to do was something they had taught me before, and since then I have found in the Psalms is a very Biblical thing to do.  So many times David is praying to God in anguish, usually when his enemies were threatening to over take him.  David prays his heart out, begging God to come to his rescue, and in the next sentence thanks God for being his Deliverer, his Protector, his Rescuer.  For David, God had not rescued him yet, but he had such faith that God would, that he was already saying thank you.  I felt that I needed to start doing the same.

In 2013, I was working a job at home, and I had to reorganize our spare room to be half of an office.  As I organized it, I realized just how many child/baby things we had in bags and boxes, and realized I needed to organize them.  So I got two sets of 3x3 cube shelving, and some drawers to put the loose stuff in and emptied the bags and boxes. 

This is what the side of the room that wasn't an office looked like.  At this point, most of it is just children's toys and book from being a nanny for over a decade, and the bassinet.

That at home office job ended in August.  In September, God told me to clear the room and make it into a nursery before big garbage happened at the beginning of October.

I fought Him for a couple of days.  Sadly, I fought with God often when He would challenge me about doing things for our future baby.  As much as He’s promised us a baby, I was still too afraid to trust, my heart was still so broken after losing our son.  I was healing, but no where near as fast as I’d hoped I would.  So I fought with God more than I care to admit, I let fear have too much of a hold on me. :(  So when God said to build the nursery, my first answer was no.  We weren’t pregnant yet.  We’d been trying for over two years at that point to get pregnant again, and nothing was working, why would I get rid of good furniture for a baby that wasn’t here.  I can remember exactly where I was driving, the exact spot of road where I was when God spoke to me in our car.  My husband did not hear it, but I did.  God asked me if there had been water when He asked Noah to build the ark.  OIH!  Yep, there was NO fighting that, and God knew it. :)

The flood was coming, whether Noah obeyed or not.  This baby was coming, whether I obeyed or not.  Did I want to walk in the faith that Noah had?  Did I want to draw closer to God, trusting even when I might be ridiculed?  When all evidence around me seemed to the contrary of the promise?  Did I want to get to the miracle with the shame of not being able to trust?  I did NOT want to have this baby having doubted the whole time.  I knew if I didn't learn to trust, I was going to deeply regret it.  I was not going to be able to fully enjoy this promise God was giving to me.  Sometimes faith takes action to get our heart to come along, so that's just what I did.

So, in September 2013, I emptied out my 5 foot desk that had been with me since I left home, and a whole bunch of other things that were in our spare room.  I brought in our rocking chair, and put a tote as a foot rest, and set up the bouncy chair we had picked up.

Around this time, God gave us a verse.  Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”  I felt God wanted me to print this out and make it visible.  I have had this verse memorized since I was a child, it’s part of two verses that people often say together.  When I went to put the second verse with it “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will keep your paths straight” God said not to put that verse with it.  He wanted me focused on Proverbs 3:5 alone.  And that made sense to me.  All through my life, I keep trying to do all I can for God, and not all of it is just to please Him or be closer to Him.  Sometimes it’s just me feeling I have to be good, or I have to do this and this to earn this or that.  I think God wanted me to stop that line of thinking, and just focus on the trusting.

So over the next few months, God kept challenging us to buy this or that for our nursery.  Every month God was telling us different things to buy.  A dresser, nail clippers, lotions, clothes, you name it, if a baby needs it in their nursery, God was putting it on our hearts no matter how small the item.  By Christmas, this is what our nursery looked like.

 

Our Baby Story - Part 1 - You Will be Pregnant

I shared this story on June 29^th with my church.  It took 30 minutes to share in church, and I didn’t share everything, so I put these in several posts, and back dated them so that you can read along at your own pace.  My Dad, Sister and Mother-In-Law have all asked me over the past month or two to write down our story to share… so this is my attempt at doing so.  I wrote it over the week, but I did it quickly, so I’m sorry if there is not as much heart in it as there should be… or if you find at times there is too much heart.

To start off this story, you need to know why having a child has been so important to my husband and I, especially if you are reading this and have not personally met us.

We got married in 2008.  We didn’t want to start off our marriage with kids, but we did hope to get pregnant near the end of our first year.

2010, October 18^th, we got a positive pregnancy test.  We were over the moon.  I was standing when I read the results, and was so shocked, I literally fell on our bed behind us.

20 weeks in, my cervix opened, and we lost our son just two hours after he was born.

The year after that was hard. At first, we wanted nothing to do with having another child.  Some people understood that and stood behind us.  Others, (a small but vocal group) became really mean and severely judged us.  Some even told us that to not want more children said we had no faith, no trust in God, or that we were just being selfish.  This made an already hard time, going through postpartum and grief, even harder.

But over time, maybe about six months, we started wanting children again.  After all the attacks and judgements, we felt we couldn’t share that, I was too afraid to share my heart’s desires with anyone.  So many people supported us, those that attacked us were not large in numbers, yet I let them have more power over me than I should have.  

So, once we admitted to each other that we were willing to try again, I admitted it to God.  So in the fall of 2011 I prayed about it.  I admitted my fears of wanting another child, of going through another pregnancy that might not end well, but that my heart still wanted another child.

I prayed, and asked God if there was any way He’d share with me if I should keep wanting another child, or if I should give up the dream altogether.  God answered me, and told me there would be another pregnancy in a few years.  You would think that would have given me hope, and it did to some degree.  But God told me I would be pregnant, and nothing more.  That actually left me very unsettled.  I didn’t want just another pregnancy.  At that point I didn’t have the strength to lose another child.  I don’t know if I even have that strength right now.  So, I am ashamed to admit that I let fear get the better part of me for a while.

In September of 2012 we had a ladies retreat, and I finally broke down and admitted to the women in the room, about a dozen of them, that I did indeed want another baby, but that I couldn’t go through losing another one.  We prayed for each other and I asked for prayer that God would either give me peace, or give me an answer to how the pregnancy would end.  I didn’t want to force God’s hand, but I also needed to find a way to give over the worry.

We did not get any answers that day.  But just a few days later, I got together with three other women.  We had been on a Pastor Search Team together, and had just gotten our new pastor to sign the papers to make him our pastor.  We went to the home of one of the ladies to pray about next steps in our individual lives.  Well, one woman, when we were praying for next steps for me, got the verse Luke 1:14 in prayer.  No one in the room knew what that verse was, so we looked it up.

Luke 1:14 says “He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth.”

Those verses had to be about Jesus' birth, and I had to focus on being glad to be God's child... Except, those verses were about John the Baptist when we read it in context. 

“He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth.”

I thought I’d feel an overwhelming joy at those words, my dreams were going to come true.  But all I felt was an amazing peace.  I felt God’s peace settle all over me and my breath just settled softly in my chest.  To me, that verse meant that if God was sharing it with me after knowing my prayers over the past while, He was affirming that not only would there be a pregnancy, but that many would rejoice because of his birth, and he would be a joy and delight to me.  To me, that meant that baby was coming home with us.  He had not forgotten about us.  He was keeping His promise.

That verse has kept me company through the almost two years since I’ve heard it, and something I’m still clinging too.  My story is not near done.  God has done so many amazing things since then, in ways He’s been there for us, provided for us, challenged us.  I hope you’ll continue reading our story, and that somehow it touches or blesses you.